oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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