either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
