Don't make out with my wife yet
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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