I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
