My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
