I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
