No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
im six kinds of drunk right now
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
