if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
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