I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
