we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
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Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
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It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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