On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
