my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
