My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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