The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
