his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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