Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
