Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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