I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
