I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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