Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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