EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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