i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
