I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
