i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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