yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
