i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
we should paint friendship bongs
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
