So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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