I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
