Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
