remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
