Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
