i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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