I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
