so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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