I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
