i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
