I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
