It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Two words: nipple clamps
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