I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
