On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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