have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
This is the high leading the old right now
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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