1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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