New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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