he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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