I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
