Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
His hands were made for my vagina.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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