I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
