Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
