i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
