Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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