the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
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mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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