If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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