Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
