all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
