life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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